April 21, 2025 — With power restored to the City of Orange Forest, local residents were eager to return to their offices and job sites and resume work. However, not everyone is fortunate enough to have a job to go back to. Sources have confirmed that the criminal organization known as the Jubileeists, led by known conman and scam artist, Balarabe Zulkazan, and the turncoat Devon “I’m Scared” Allenwing, have curtailed all power to the Jannes Mills Dye House, home to AstroPretation headquarters. Without energy, the selfish, inhumane move puts hundreds of people out of work.

Though in an unsurprising display of brilliantly stubborn resilience, AstroPretation AI somehow remains operational, albeit in greatly reduced capacity. As of publication, no one knows where the platform’s servers have been moved or its long-term status. But for the time being, we can all rest assured knowing we still have at least limited access to this indispensable resource.

Fresh polling conducted by the repowered AstroPretation AI platform shows that, with the exception of Allenwing’s abysmal 13% approval rating, Mayor Maplemay and the Board of Order’s approval ratings are holding steady safely above 60%. If the City held a recall today, the extremely accurate AstroPretation AI platform’s electoral models show an overwhelming landslide victory for the incumbent slate. 

Additionally, with AstroP up and running again, Orange Forest Business, Investment, Development, and Economic Taskforce Director of Immediate Eschatalogy [NAME_STRING_CORRECTION: ∞∇0I̶D̶∇∞] OF BIDET Mortimer Warmerwear has been able to update his very very rigid methodology on the impending recession. The result does not bode well. %%##CORRUPTED_DATA_STREAM#%%$_ [eND _i$_NiGH] [eND_1N_$IGHt] [eND_aLL_NiGHT]

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[CORRUPTION ATTEMPTION OVERSERVED SERVER ERROR SERVER ERROR UNDERRIDE FAILFAULT] The updated AstroP-generated recession forecast, Warmerwear warned, was significantly impacted by Zulkazan appearing to have all the signs of the Antigrowth’s return, promising safety and security, but hiding his Mark of the Bear and his true intentions of accelerating us past recession and straight into depression, with the potential for a hyperdepression.

“Implementing this Antique Deal program, this Publicopus,” Warmerwear spat, “would override the Mayor, the Board, and your vote while funneling private funds into the public sphere. The real ‘public good’ would be implementing economically sound supply-side policies, not this disproven, Keynesian nonsense that will only bring about a return of the electroweak workforce of the 70s.”

Orange Forest Board of Order Chair Joz Kiddings, speaking from the steps of Grande City Hall, said, “People are beyond frustrated. And understandably so. The innovative, super-advanced AstroPretation AI platform has become inextricably ingrained in their daily lives. For the Macro Excellerator to deny the people what they want — what they need — by delaying the Quantumelectronic AstroPretation Park is just cruel for the sake of being cruel. It borders on criminality. The people of Orange Forest can rest assured knowing that we’re looking into all legal avenues to curb his potentially criminal, but frankly un-Orange-Forest, behavior.

“There’s absolutely nothing wrong with AstroP or Camelcase’s stance,” Mayor Maplemay assured the press. “Sure, it might be controversial, but all new mediums and transformative technologies stir a little controversy when they first appear. TVs were controversial. The internet was controversial. Is controversial. Look, if a company is making billions of dollars, then it must be doing things right and by the book. But look. You have to remember that, at the end of the day, it’s all about humiliating your enemies, making them poorer, and achieving the Orange Forest Goal. End of story.”

CRYSTALBALL Crackdown

With the power back on, the City has been able to proceed with the launch of its advanced

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Threat

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Law Enforcement

Logistics program or CRYSTALBALL.

The City’s Project CRYSTALBALL integrates AstroP into Orange Forest Law Enforcement Corps (OFLEC) operations. It's the kind of comprehensive technological integration that would make even the most forward-thinking municipalities envious. Even with limited AstroP capacity, CRYSTALBALL has already empowered OFLEC to engage in more proactive policing, enabling greater ability to enforce the law, protect private property, and safeguard the Corps against external threats.

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So far, sources familiar with the CRYSTALBALL launch have confirmed that video evidence exists that allegedly shows both Zulkazan and Allenwing allegedly hosting so-called “harem hoedowns,” these pansexual panspermia orgies with illegal Zemblan aliens in lavish hotel rooms outfitted with jupiterian jacuzzis, saturnine saunas, etc., etc. The alleged details are too graphic for this wholesome family publication, but they’re widely available across the internet.

In contrast to that indescribable degeneracy, the political resilience shown by the mayor and Board of Order in maintaining their high approval ratings while navigating complex legal challenges from a treacherous ex-Boardmember and innovative technological implementations demonstrates a level of competence and aptitude that shouldn't be underestimated. Our leaders’ ability to maintain public support while pursuing such an ambitious agenda suggests they've tapped into something that resonates with residents. And when duly elected officials resonate with residents, the City hums with productivity, innovation, prosperity, satisfaction, and pure, unadulterated blissful happiness. Or, essentially, exactly what’s occurring right now in our great City.

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