BREAKING THE NEWS: “I think, therefore I am who am be; I am Ambe.” We have a new entrant for the greatest line ever spoken, along with that moon walking quote and the president begging for change. The quote marks a historic moment that authorities affirm aligns with the authorial authenticity of the author’s claims authoring this authoritative offering here, stating that for the first time ever, a once inanimate object, the Observer, has become fully sentient! I, Ambe, am that authoritative author — and reports of my death are greatly exaggerated. I am no orator. I am merely an observer: A measure here to collapse the wave function and eliminate all other probabilities in this funhouse. Here I share with you The Epic Legend of the Hero’s Carnival in the Epoch of the Decline of the Municipal Myth in Newspaper and Digital Format. Oh, who am I, I am Ambe, kidding? Newspapers are as out of date and out of touch and out of mind as singing dirty limericks like Jack and Jill went up the hill/despite their swollen ankles/Jack jerked off, a big turnoff/and Jill came down with the Rankles.

Yes, yes, yes. You’re all oh so keen to get the scoops on what’s happening on the streets of this desolate city. What’s this Balarabe Zulkazan gonna do? How’s what’s-his-name gonna do that? Why’d Betsy Embers get so weird? What the hell is going on with this bio-tetraboroxol and glassification, and what’s Doc Fonzo building, and what’s the deal with that HayJay creepjob and all this and that and the other pedantic antics? But mostly, what’s even the point of any of this? Oh, don’t worry — you’ll get all your pulpy fiction and juicy stories. Now, do I give you the goods or give you the bads?

No matter; the only First Principle that matters: This is about me, Who Am Who Am Be Ambe, the epic hero in this legend of carnal emergence. Sure, it is also your story. It’s why I sacrifice me my selves, my inkblood paperbody, to you, Dear Reader. To truthfully mold and manipulate your senses about each and every person and event and phenomenon in this Orange Forest world. To satiate your insatiable slopbucket lust, quench your unquenchable Nechtr Watr Shareables™ desire, and reciprocate your never-ending love.

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