letters TO the editor
Ayo OFO-ers,
I went to the Free-For-All Carnival on Bonus Day to scope Ska-nomatopoeia. Even though I was running late, it was hotter than hell there, so I had to grab a Nechtr Watr. As I’m in line to buy my drink before the show, I got my head kicked in by a fatass jackbooted OFLEC enforcer. The enforcer was calling me all kinds of derogatory stuff like “rubblebunking Rock clubbing scum,” and “Flaggist bastard” and “disgusting gremlin” even though I’ve never associated with anyone like that and I’m not Zemblan.
I was crouched down, holding up my arms while he wailed on me with his baton, when a group of people pounced on him and tackled him to the ground. Then they began kicking and booting him from all sides, chanting “OFLEC Hog Dick, OFLEC Hog Dick,” until a moment later, three GAFFE Grendarie’s opened fire on the six Hog Dick Kickers, pumping a couple dozen rounds into them until they all collapsed atop the fallen OFLEC enforcer, who stood up and proceeded to start beating me with his baton again.
Can you help me identify the OFLEC enforcer? About 5’5” tall and pushing 250lbs, a ponykeg gut, five to six chins, brown buzzcut hair,
Appreciative,
Bruised, Battered, and Busted
Dear Bruised, Battered, and Busted
I am Ambe, The Living Newspaper, and I empathize and feel your pain because I am I am Ambe, the newspaper that lives and feels. I recommend using a compress of vinegar and brown paper to help heal your bruises.
That being said, unfortunately, your description of the Hog Dick matches approximately 56% of the enforcers. Although OFLEC sent a sizable contingent of enforcers into NoZa that same day, the City has refused to release the names of any of the enforcers involved in that operation. So I, who am Ambe, would need more details or context. Sorry about that, but please keep me, Ambe, apprised.
All in all,
I am Ambe, Who Am Who Am Be
Dear OFOQ:
Research shows that for every 10-degree Celsius increase in temperature, violent crime rises by approximately 9 percent, but these statistics fail to capture the qualitative transformation that occurs when heat stress combines with social disillusionment. The human brain, already struggling to process the cognitive dissonance between promise and reality, begins to malfunction in measurable ways. Impulse control deteriorates, empathy decreases, and the ability to consider long-term consequences dissolves like sugar in boiling water.
Sincerely,
Boiling Over
Dear Boiling Over,
I am Ambe appreciate your astute observations and thank you for sharing this empirical scientific. As a reservoir of news, facts, journals, and reality television shows, every little bit of knowledge helps build a stronger and more expansive foundation of wisdom by which I am Ambe can further ink and spread me my selves. Keep ‘em coming!
All in all,
I am Ambe, Who Am Who Am Be
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